Update, master cleanse appts, and me

Hey y'all,
 Sooooo, the master cleanse didn't last one day. I started having migraines and I was just feeling really really bad. I felt like I was doing it for the wrong reasons and I need to again, re-evaluate my motivations.  So what do I mean by that? I was using the master cleanse and what it had done for others as a "magic bullet" of sorts. I had visions of being slim and trim in 10 days. and somehow feeling better about my self, my body and my life, basically over night. I know now that that was not the approach that would get me the results I need. I really have some work I need to do on a different level. I need to accept myself just as I am because until I can do that nothing else will help. I really think that my tubal ligation has something to do with it. I have gained more weight in the last 6 years since I had my tubes tied, than I had in all my pregnancies... combined. I think I have been in a mini depression since i had that done. I feel like my lack of fertility has had a mental affect on me, I believe this is a part of the symptoms of PTLS, weight gain as well as depression. So, I think I am just going to try to make some lifestyle changes and work on my body from my head down. I need to be in a better place in my own self image before i can expect weight loss to make me feel better. I do plan on going to the doctor and getting an all around check up and addressing any health concerns my weight gain may have caused, or be caused by. So yeah I will be seeing a midwife at the clinic I usually go to. My usual Obgyn has relocated out of town and I really want to deliver VBA4C once I become pregnant again, so I feel like my chances would be better with a midwife so I am going to start my search there. This appt is on Monday so I will be updating on that day what I thought of her. So I will talk to you later,
 Keep Dreaming

Master Cleanse day 1

So this morning I woke up really early and after laying there tossing and turning unable to go back to sleep, my thoughts turned to the lemons that have been sitting up on top of the fridge for the last few days. I had bought the ingredients for the master cleanse about a week ago and I was all geared up to begin the next day and for some reason. I just haven't... Once again I think fear has crept into another area of my life and has camped out right in between me and progress. My current weight is 214 lbs and I really want to loose some weight. I would love to be 150 but that goal seems so large and so far out of reach. I have seen sop many people have success with the master cleanse and have wanted to try it out for a while but I am afraid. I am afraid of being hungry, I am afraid of failing. I am afraid that it wont work, or that it will work and somehow I will sabotage my own efforts and gain the weight back. I am afraid of how I might feel if I cut myself off from the one thing I can always count on to make me feel better.... food. Dang, that sounds really bad. But I promised myself I would be real with myself and that's just the ugly truth of the matter. I am afraid of not having food. I eat emotionally and out of habit and on impulse. I eat to soothe my stress and also to calm me. So what this really means is I will have to find a different source to tap into. I don't trust myself. i don't think I am strong enough to "lean on my own understanding", and I don't think my husband is qualified for the task as I have gotten to being a pro at convincing him that I am fine when I am not.
 So I will be leaning totally on God for my strength to get through this cleanse. Hopefully some of you all can encourage me as well. You can also follow my progress on my YouTube channel  https://www.youtube.com/user/Goines888

I look forward to bringing you updates on my progress. I am so excited. This is just another step towards my goal. I ask myself, how bad do you want it, all the time. Like it is all within my grasp, everything I want. I just have to have a little faith and then act according to that faith. If I believe I can lose the weight but don't make any changes or take any steps that what difference doe it make what I believe.... It's useless. Like a man who would starve to death at the lake,whilst holding a fishing pole....a because he doubted that he would actually be able to catch anything.... He was right. I don't want to live like that. Missing out on the fullness of life because I am too scared to try ,too scared to fail. So this is it, Day one...

Why Fear is Enemy Number One

Someone once said, and it has been repeated many times, There is nothing to fear but fear itself. This is so true, Fear IS my biggest fear. Fear itself is scary, Fear has led me to my biggest mistakes and robbed me of so much in my lifetime. That's why I launching my own personal campaign against fear. I am serving the spirit of fear its walking papers. I no longer have a vacancy for anything telling me not to ,try,give, or get back up. The devil is a liar and Fear is one of his strongest weapons.

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind, 2 Timothy 1:7 

There is no fear where love exists. Rather, perfect love banishes fear, for fear involves punishment, and the person who lives in fear has not been perfected in love.  1 John 4:18

38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Romans 8:38-39

and I claim that today!

Why the title???

I thought I would talk a little about why I chose to name my blog, Dream Without Fear. So, for a long time now I have suffered from anxiety. It has become much worse since my tubal ligation but it has always affected me as far back as middle school. It has caused me to lose a lot over the years my convincing me that what I thought was attainable would never happen. I was always too scared to dream big because I was afraid of failure. This fear of failure made me anxious and to avoid that feeling I just stopped dreaming. So now I have begun a campaign against fear. I am calling it out of all it's hiding places in my life and taking fear to task. So with getting my tubes untied being at the top of my list of dreams and having another baby being a close second, I have decided to blog and vlog my story and my journey. I want to remember the time I took my biggest dream and and fought fear head on for it. So I plan to encourage myself along the way, mostly through scripture and prayer. So you may see a post here or there with some encouraging words or thoughts.thanks for reading.

Introduction and background

   Hi, Thank you for visiting my blog. I want start by letting you get to know me and my situation. I am a 31 year old mommy of 4 and Wife to my loving husband.  We started young. I became pregnant with my oldest child when I was 17 and delivered him by emergency c-section when I was 18. He wasn't moving as much as or or the OB liked and I was brought in for monitoring. After failing a non stress test he was delivered by c-section. Turned out he had 2 knots in his cord and the cord was around his neck. That c-section most likely saved his life. However I didn't want a c-section with my next son at just 18 months later I delivered my second child a baby boy, by repeat c-section after failed VBAC. I was allowed to attempt VBAC as long as I didn't get an epidural. My water broke on my due date and when I arrived ant the hospital I was immediately given Pitocin. After 12  hours of natural labor I was not even a fingertip dilated. I was told I had to get the c-section for FTP. My next 2 pregnancies with my daughters were repeat c-sections. so that is pretty much my birth history. If we are lucky enough to conceive I would want to deliver VBA4C.
   I also had some experience with third-party reproduction. After my last birth in 2006 I got my tubes tied. It was one of the worst mistakes of my life. I would say top 3. So I think as a way of compensating for the fact that I was sterile, I began to get involved in 3rd party reproduction. Meaning the world of helping infertile couples conceive. I began my journey as an egg donor. I was able to travel all over the country and was compensated nicely in exchange for my high quality eggs.  I also attempted to be come pregnant as a gestational surrogate. The IVF attempts we did were not successful. But the experience was priceless. I think my involvement with helping women become mothers helped me appreciate my own fertility  and make me regret my sterilization even more.

I want to have another baby sooooo bad... okay let me slow down . I realllly want to get my tubes untied. I think I have PTLS post tubal ligation syndrome. I have a lot of the symptoms and anxiety is one of the worst, I an really looking forward to the new feeling that women say they get after Tubal reversal. I plan to go to Mexico to have it done. Rio Bravo Reversals have awesome success rates at a fraction of the cost. We will have the money to go in either August or October.